Personal Space

Gosh, how long has it been since I wrote something here?

My friend just asked about the lack of updates here (and I almost forgot I still have this blog) so hi, Angelos, here's a shoutout for you, if you're reading this! And also other silent readers, which I would just assume that I still have, in case you feel jealous that I did not say hi to you, hi!! 

I have many many things that I can talk about, it's like my mouth and my mind will never ever shut up. But I think I've grown up to be a more private person than ever. There are so many things that I want to say and think but I don't really want the entire world to know, hence I do not update this blog that much anymore. 

It's like, lately, I have very deep issue with privacy and personal space. I dunno why this happens but nowadays, I've been thinking that one day I have to get married (sorry, Jing Jing, if I do, I will have to break our 40 39 cats promise. Eh, wait, is this even a promise?!) and that I will have to live with someone else my entire life. And then I thought that this is probably the most precious period of my life where I can live alone and have my own personal space and do what I want to do without having any responsibility. Which is why I am enjoying myself living by myself now. 

I've learnt to be alone. Honestly, it rocks to be alone sometimes. The really good and calming feeling when I go shopping alone, eat alone, walk alone, cook alone etc. But it's really contradictory at the same time, because I am scared of being lonely too. You get what I mean? I don't know if anyone feels the same thing as I do but I love being alone, yet I hate being lonely. 

I guess being alone is when you're doing something by yourself but being lonely is when you feel that no one in this world is there for you. So basically, I am someone who needs a lot of personal space but I also crave for attention (which wtf, I think all my friends should know by now). Sometimes, the fear of being lonely gets a little too much and then I start getting paranoid, for example, what if my friends actually hate me? I think this thought is so much lesser now but I used to think so much about it in the past. Wtf, I usually don't quite care about what people who are not close to me think about me (because I do not believe in first impressions) but it's the opposite when it comes to people whom I love. I care a lot of what they think about me. I guess it's normal to be this way because honestly, who doesn't want people whom they love to love them back. 

Gosh, I have a lot of contradicting thoughts in my head, I need to get it out and pen it here. 

So, friends, to make things simple, I sometimes need some personal space, which means that most of the time, I don't really answer personal questions so please stop asking me stuffs like this repeatedly. If I think you're worthy of being my good friend, I will tell you about my stuffs if you ask just once. But if you keep asking non-stop and I don't answer, you probably should stop. On the other hand, I will try to respect you as much as I can, so you have the freedom to talk to me about your life or if you don't want to, I won't force it upon you. I am trying to put this as nicely as I can, but people should stop expecting me to spill my life out just cause they've done the same thing to me. I am just not the kind of person to have girls' heart-to-heart talk and I'm realllyyyyy sorry for this. Hence, sometimes, the idea of having sleepover at friends' house scare me cos they might want to have girls talk session. If I were to talk about my life, I would when it feels right to and when I do, it's only to friends and family whom I really love a lot and I would really hope that they wouldn't judge me. 

On a lighter note, I pretty much love all my good friends and I think they know I like to keep things private sometimes so thanks for respecting me! :) I am trying to open up to more friends now but it takes time, probably a long time, or probably never, wtf! But still, I try and that's what really matter, right?

Why I think my life is awesome

I always think that first step to having an awesome life is actually to just stop whatever you are doing for a few moments and just be thankful for your life. It works for me all the time. 

I might not be an awesome person, but I have an awesome life (on a second thought, I do think that I AM awesome). Mainly because I think I am quite a blessed person. 

I am thankful to grow up in a really good environment and family background. In fact, I am thankful for just being alive. I mean, people die everyday and one of them could just be me. But I am still alive today. I don't know if I will die tomorrow but if I do, I am still thankful for all the other things in life. I am thankful for having a lot of opportunities in life and I am thankful that I am aware of them and take my chances. I am thankful that both my parents are good enough to send me to study in another continent. 

I am also thankful that by having this opportunity, I get to see and learn things differently. I am thankful that I get to study what I love because I know there are people out there who do not get this opportunity. I am thankful that learning is a really fun process. 

I am thankful for the bunch of friends that I know throughout my life. I am thankful that all the friends who are close to me are really good people with good heart because I know there are people with a lot of friendship dramas out there. I am thankful that my life in Melb is good, mostly because of the good company. I always think that friends are your family when you are away from your family. And I am thankful for the friends who are like my family here. I am thankful that I am currently staying in a place much safer than in my own country (as much as I love Malaysia, I don't feel safe when walking out of the streets). I am thankful for all the freedom I get when staying away from my own country and how I can just be myself without being judged. I am thankful for all the good things people have done to me. 

I don't think I am the kind of person who has wide social circle (and recently, I just discovered my dislike for clubbing), neither I am the kind who's actually very proactive and sociable. Wtf, there are a lot of times when I just don't really care much about other people or pay much attention to them. But,, with my unfriendliness, people still come talk to me (at least I am still friendly enough to smile at them) and I am thankful for these people. My life is not super exciting that kind but I like the pace and lifestyle that I am living now, slow and steady (wtf, I sound like a retired old man), busy with my assignments and stuffs and I am also thankful for that. 

.... and I shall rush my assignments now. D: 

My (Chinese) New Year Resolutions

It's never too late to make resolutions and since Chinese New Year is also a new year, so I can still make them. 

1) Be more outspoken. As an Asian, I feel that I am already relatively outspoken enough. Cos we are generally more conservative, so I don't really feel the need to voice my opinions out most of the time. And wtf, if too much opinions also we get scolded for being rude, so need to be quieter sometimes. But now that I am studying at somewhere with such different culture, I realise I really need to come out of my comfort zone and voice things and opinions I want to say. I need to start being responsible and for people to realise that I am important too. But I think the line between being outspoken and being rude is often blurred and it's really hard to distinguish whether I am being rude or not. Still, I think I can learn that as time passes by (a lot of times, because of my ignorance, I might have hurt people or what, cos like, I am really oblivious about others sometimes, wtf). 

2) Be more appreciative of constructive criticism. I am the Queen of Denial, wtf. Which is extremely unhealthy considering the course I am doing now needs a lot of constructive criticism. I really admire how some people could keep on asking other people for constructive comments for their work or whatever they do. I don't think I have such a courage cos' I don't think I could handle such criticisms. I only want people to think of how pretty my works are, wtf. Here's what I promise to myself, to keep asking other people if there's anything that I should improve upon my works and projects. I also need to do be more open that a lot of people are not being personal. They do not hate me or think that I have no potential. 

3) Learn to cook more food. To be a potential housewife, wtf. Try out new stuffs that I thought I can't do (it's ok to fail) so that I know more variety of food, instead of cooking fried rice everyday. 

4) Get a bloody job. 

5) Better time management. I need to avoid doing last minute work and keep all my assignments on track so that my work will not accumulate last minute like last semester. I also want to squeeze and balance my working time (if I ever get one), assignments, social life, sleeping time and some other random activities. Wtf, this so challenging but.. challenge accepted!

6) Join clubs. Or else I'll be sticking around the same friends everyday. They are really cool friends but I need to enlarge my social life, later cannot find get potential husband, wtf. The world is bigger than my friends. 

7) Better results, so that I do not appear that stupid, wtf. But I need to improve on my writing cos' I suck at it and to improve my critical thinking or else later I appear too stupid also. 

Ok lah, by jotting down my new year resolutions, I feel more of what I should do and the kind of person I want to be this year. Happy Chinese New Year. :)

The Benefits of Being Stupid

Lately, I've been thinking that.. I am stupid. 

More like, I've come to acknowledge and admit that I am stupid. 

And I blame UniMelb. Wtf, why full of smart people and make me feel stupid. And because my friends are all quite really smart also so it makes me feel is more stupid lah. 

It's like, the more I study, the more I feel stupid of myself because I realise I know very little of the world. 

I know I sound like as if I've got really low self-esteem and 自卑 (and more chinese words nowadays but nevermind lah, good attempt to improve it). I do at first but then I'm like, screw it, my skin is too thick to feel bad of myself. And hence, the journey to becoming a happy stupid person. 

I don't remember feeling a stupid person back in secondary school and during A-Levels days. I used to see myself as someone who's not that smart but not too stupid also lah. Like, I still know of some people who are less intelligent (wtf, my grammar fail cos' I was wondering if it was "less smart" or "less smarter". Then I went to Google and they use "less intelligent". My grammar teacher can kill me now. And I graduated from Convent school. Can double kill me now) than I am but I also know quite a lot who are smarter than me. And when I say smart, I mean it in an academic way. Cos' we are Asians, only know how to judge others' intelligence based on academic level. But after coming to uni, they bring smart to a whole new level cos' people and friends I know are not just academically strong, but like super smart in everything, knowledge lah, sports lah, this lah, that lah. I also blame it on our Malaysian education system lah, everyday only ask us to just memorise everything from our textbook and then vomit out in our exams without having any actual critical thinking (shifting blame to MOE). 

But flunyway, it's okay, I already admit that I am stupid. Admitting that I am stupid myself actually takes a lot of work and effort eh. Jenna Marbles, in one of her Youtube videos, said that once we start admitting that we are not the best and will never be, we will feel better and it would be like as if a huge weight has been lifted off from our shoulders. It's true what, sometimes we work so hard so that we are not that stupid but what's the point? What are we trying to prove anyway? As said by another friend of mine (wtf, I keep quoting a lot of stuffs from other people. I am so unoriginal. Need to cite them in the future), we have to deal with a lot of exams in our life, why worry for each of them?  We face problems everyday, they're pretty much unending one. 

After admitting that I am stupid, I actually started looking at life in a very simple way. There's a Cantonese saying that “傻人有傻福” (wtf, I dunno whether I type right or not, please correct me I am wrong. If I do, this proves that I really am stupid). It means "stupid people have stupid happiness". I think it is actually a really important thing in life to not just think too much and just be happy. It's just that not everyone can be like this. 

Because honestly, if you were to compare smart and stupid people, who do you think are happier? Definitely  the more stupid one lor, cos they think lesser, find lesser faults in others and just live life easily. Then the smart ones always think too much, find flaws in others and always thinking about the imperfections of life (ok lah, to defend the smart people, I know not all smart people are negative. There're some out there who are quite positive also). I know I sound like super philosophical and as if I am 80 years old and you're 18 but it's the truth ok. I am actually someone who thinks a lot, tend to find flaws in others and always focus on all the imperfections (but I am not smart ok). Nowadays, I am really trying to work hard towards becoming a more simple person (and hence more stupid than I ever did) cos I really see no point of having such high expectations on myself thinking that I could be happy but at the end, I will be even less happy. That's because I'll always always find someone smarter than me. I can't go on competing with others forever like that. This is what we always do, chasing something that we think we'll be happy about when we get it. It's like a race. We race with others thinking that once we win them, we'll be a happy person. But, after one race, there'll always be another race to run. And a lot of times, we don't even like the process of running, we just thought we'll be happy if we win it. Even if we do win it, almost immediately, we'll have to prepare for the next race and start all over again. If like that, how to be happy?

 Wtf, I sound very deep and wise now, so deep you can't see me. -.- 

See, that's why I am starting to embrace my own stupidity. Just like how girls should embrace their own bodies because no one is born perfect. 

Also, I think by being stupid, I am, in a very indirect way, helping my friends. The thing is, almost everyone think that they are stupid (especially Asians cos we always like to compare one) even though they are not (and trust me, almost ALL my friends are like that). So when you think that you are stupid, you will feel bad of yourself. This is when you should try to compare yourself with the stupid ones, you will feel better. So my friends can compare with me, so they feel better and happier about themselves. In 3 Idiots, I remember them saying that when friends get low marks in exams, we feel bad for them. But when we get lower than them, we feel even worse. 

See, I am spreading happiness to my friends, to the extent of my own happiness (ok lah, I admit I still get that little happy feeling when my results are good... which is pretty much nonexistent when I enter uni). Karma points plus 50. 

The Day I Fear I Will be Living With 40 Cats

It's a little early too early for me to worry about this but *gulp*... 

what if I cannot get married in the future?!

*gulp* 

My friend, Jing Jing, said she's gonna live with 80 cats if she couldn't get married and I said that I can share half of them. 80 cats is too much for an old woman anyway. 

But really, I am quite worried about this issue. I'm only 20 (hitting 21 this June, how sad) and I know there are people out there who're older than I am and are even more worried. And the fact that I am worrying will make them even more worried because when I am worrying, it means that it's even worse for them. But really, what if I really really cannot meet the soul my life, the Mr. Right (eek, so cheesy), the partner of my life, the person that can share the rest of my life with me, the.. the.. another part of my soul (or whatever cheesy stuff you can think of). What if I really end up alone in my life when I am 40 80 with no husband? Omg.. this thought is very scary ok. 

For those that feel like laughing (especially you, Sherilynn, if you are reading this. I know your 笑点 very low one) ... please don't! And this is a serious issue, ok! I am pretty sure all girls will somehow think of this lah, especially when you are single. If you already got boyfriend one, probably you will think of marrying him in the future so I don't think you will be that worried like the singles. 

What's worse, is that I'm "evergreen" (as termed by my friend, Vivianne), which means that I have absolutely zero experience when it comes to relationship. Nada. None at all. I very thick skinned one, won't admit that it's because of my personality or looks or whatever that makes me single but it's because of the fact that I am from an all-girls school. As much as I love being in all-girls school, I admit that it doesn't teach us well on how to communicate with the opposite gender. Guys used to be aliens for me when I was in Form 1 till Form 3. I need to get away from like, at least 1 metre away from the guys. Because they are another weird creation from God, much weirder than frogs and toads (which I am VERY VERY afraid of). It's like, for me, why do guys even exist, seriously? Anyway, it was slightly better (ONLY slightly) when I entered Form 4 and now that I'm already in uni, I'm like, totally fine with all the guys. This pretty much sums up the reason why I am "evergreen". I am a "late bloomer", haha. 

It is really surprising because some friends will ask me for relationship advices despite me telling them that I've never been in a relationship before. The ironic thing is that, when it comes to relationship, sometimes, the third parties (as in, people who aren't in the relationship, not 小三 that kind) can see things better than the ones involved in the relationships. They say love is blind and I couldn't agree more. Because everytime when my friends have relationship problems, I clearly know what they should and shouldn't do but somehow, they don't see it themselves. It's not like I am smarter and wiser or what but love really takes the rationality away from people. I'm pretty sure when I am love, my rationality will be taken away too and that's when I will need advice on my other friends. But because I am worried that I might not be in a relationship for the rest of my life.... *shudders at the scary thought* ... I don't have to worry about being irrational first..

On the other hand, I am also not used to being in a relationship (if I ever have one) because I've been living my life by myself all the 20 years of my life. Honestly, I am not the kind of person who would show myself to just anyone. I am rather private and not very comfortable being with another person, or living with them. I sometimes also find that being in a relationship can be quite tiring cos like, I don't really like to be committed to other people. But I know this is quite a big weakness of mine and am trying to work hard to be more open (and hence, this blogpost is made). Although I am worried about this whole forever alone thing, I am also enjoying my time at the same time. It feels so good, to do whatever I want, eat whatever I want, go wherever I want, with whoever I want. There are times when I really really love being alone because it's quite a therapeutic thing. 

I guess love is really about fate and destiny, it's about the 缘分. One friend used to tell me that when I am with someone I like, I wouldn't mind spending time with him (in fact, I would be enjoying it) and I wouldn't think of it as something tiring and I would be very happy to commit the time and energy. I also believe when in love, girls look so much prettier. They said when you're in love, you look younger, happier and hence, prettier and healthier. You will be glowing. Sometimes, I think love is really one of the most wonderful thing in the world. Probably, someday, it will be so magical it starts healing cancer and some other diseases (but wtf, later doctors will be jobless and bankrupt). 

Hello 2013

It's another new year!

But seriously, I do not really feel any different today than yesterday (which is last year). I've never really felt anything during new year since a few years back. I remember when I was even younger, I used to feel really excited to kick start another year. Usually, my yearly resolution would be to study hard and to finish up all my homework (such a good kid I was) but then after about one month later, I started slacking and ended up not finishing my homework on time. After a while, I realise that new year resolutions are pretty useless cos I ended up not following it anyway. That's when I eventually lose excitement towards new year. 

Flunyway, 2012 has been a really great year for me, so much better than 2011. I promised myself in 2012's new year that I must be happier and that was all I wished for myself. Didn't really want to go through emo depressed day like someone killed the world anymore. I'm just glad that 2012 did not really disappoint me. 

I met new bunch of friends that are really good and also I study in some really awesome place, which I really thank my parents and God (and everyone else). The last 6 months served me well (because it's my first sem in uni) and thank you to all my friends in Melb who brighten up my life when we're all away from our countries and families. :) Thank you so much to my course for bringing me all the adrenaline excitement (especially during final presentations) and for keeping me really busy so that I would stop thinking too much like in the past. Thank you so much to Melbourne for being such a beautiful place and make me love my life more. 

Thank you so much to all the positivity in my life and all the positive people and friends I know. 

Now, for 2013, I just wish that I could be even happier and hopefully my friends and family too. My goal for this year is time management because I don't think I did it well last sem which then stressed me up a little. If I could have better time management, I will be happier. :) I also hope that I have more positive attitude towards people and life and everything else. I hope that I can handle things with a more open mind and be more calm and cheerful. 

That's all I want in my life. So I hope everyone have a good year ahead yo!!

Quotes That Do Not Make Sense

There are millions of quotes in this world and they all seem to be really "deep" and tell people some lessons on life. And you know, the thing is, NOT all quotes are good. Some just really do not make sense and honestly, sound really pretentious and "deep" when they just.. do not make any sense.

Here're some quotes that I still do not get until today: 

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get. 

This quote sounds nice. It really does. I like this quote, and I get what it's trying to say, that life is unexpected and we never know what we will be getting the next moment. But WHY CHOCOLATE?! I mean, is chocolate even unexpected?! Honestly, the first time I read this quote, I've been wondering until today. When you open a box of chocolates, do you go like, "Oh, I don't know what I'm gonna get." What does a box of chocolate has? Chocolates! And often, if it's dark chocolate (or any other flavour), it will be written on the box, and ALL the chocolates inside are dark chocolates. You don't go like, "Oooh.. I don't know what I'm gonna get next. Is it mint flavoured one?" No, that will not happen because the box says it's dark. And if it's assorted kind of chocolate, it will also be written on the box, which in this case, you might not know of what flavour you will be eating. But then again, it's already written "Assorted" so it's kind expected that there are different flavours. So, can someone explains to me what is so unexpected about chocolates that it represents life? Because it's just food for me and when I see food, I eat it. 

If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve my best. 

And we all know that this quote is by Marilyn Monroe. Look, I understand that she's someone respected in this world. As much as I love her 50s pin-up girl style, this quote... is just.. seriously, I think, rubbish. What do you mean that when someone can't handle your worst, then they don't deserve your best?! So it's an excuse for you to be at your worst?! If you want to be at your worst, then fine. Be at your worst and have no one to love you (and we all know that Marilyn Monroe's life is not made of rainbows). Don't go blaming people later saying that no one loves you. Here's a better quote from me: If you can't be at your best, then you don't deserve love from other people (go quote it all over Tumblr, Facebook, Instragram, Twitter, and be all "deep" and meaningful). The world does not revolve around you and you don't expect people to be really patient with your attitude. Sometimes, people give up on you. They won't want your best anymore because.. they don't think you even have your best side. 

And all the made up stuffs that are being said and starting with "A psychology study said that.. "

... 

The other day, a friend of mine posted something on Facebook that looks somehow like this:

A psychology study said that:

- when someone laughs loudly, it means that he's really sad inside.

- when someone sleeps a lot, it means that he's lonely. 

- when someone acts differently, it means that he's lying

...I don't even want to live in this planet anymore. 

The word "psychology study" has been abused until.. aih, I also speechless. What is even more devastating is that some people actually agree with them. If this comes from a study, please, cite your resources (preferably Harvard style, I am more familiar with it). Now I get why my tutors are so strict when it comes to referencing. Because we need to prevent dumb things being said. I mean, seriously, so when someone laughs loudly, so he's lonely?! Where the hell do you get the idea from?! 

And bimbo pictures with deep quotes

I don't even...*sadfaceforbimbos* 

No, seriously, why are you doing this? I am a bimbo too ( I always believe that all girls have a little bimbo-ness in them) sometimes but I don't get why you're doing this. A lot of people (some of my friends included) tend to post a picture of themselves (often beautifully) and then put a quote there like it's very deep like that. Some quotes are good, really good. But what has it got to do with your that picture of yourself? 

Phew, finally, I am releasing the BIG questions I've been wondering in my life. 

The world is so interesting when I get to to see people coming up with things that do make much sense (myself included sometimes) and what's more interesting is that, sometimes, they really do believe all these stuffs. I guess different people have different opinions and ideas in life. One thing for sure, I will never understand (and don't want to) their thoughts on life. 

Melbourne.

Here's Some Gratitude

Phew, and finally my exams ended for this semester! :D

Good to see I am still alive surviving the first semester. It has been one of the more fun semesters and best time of my life. 

I love my life now. 

It's not like everyday is sunshine and rainbows but I love all the things I have here, all the problems, and all the lessons I had. 

I feel like I've learn a lot of stuffs this semester and they're all really really valuable. I've learnt things in classes, and outside classes. This semester, I learnt about designing so much more than I do. And I think I really am not very good at it. 

But it's okay. I'm still going to continue and see how things go. :D It's exciting to see that for the first time of my life, I have formal lessons on designing. And that I can proudly tell people that I am a design student. And reality is so different from what I imagine. Studying designing is much more stressed than I thought to be. Chasing deadlines, generation of ideas, drawing, not sleeping, sacrificing weekend leisure, it's all part of my life now. I've come to accept that stress will always, always be with me. I've also come to accept that I cannot expect myself not to be stressful now that I am choosing this route. And hence, I am so going to learn how to manage my stress even better next semester (because it's not really that good this semester). 

I've come to accept the fact that there are people out there who are so much better and smarter than me. And they are people who are worth learning from. I've learnt to be thirsty of knowledge. I've learnt that there's no limit in knowledge, there's no limit in learning. It's amazing to see all the things I've learnt can be applied in real life and that I can help people in the future. :) 

And I've got a bunch of cool friends here who are really really good. I've learnt so much from everyone. Every friend I meet in my life have somehow helped me shaped the person I am today. I now have friends from different personalities and variety and each an everyone of them are helps my life in a more balanced way. Everyday I am so entertained... because they are just so darn funny

Sigh... sometimes, being away from family and friends in home town really makes me miss the part of me in the past. But then a friend of mine said that we can't relive the past and experiences. It's still amazing to see that somehow, my heart still belongs to the small little town I grew up in with the family that would never change and the friends whom I've built my years and years of friendships with. 

And here's a toast to better and stronger days ahead of me *clinking imaginary glasses (must be with wine ah) with you*

忍

Throughout the whole semester, I've been doing my best to have a positive mindset and I kept telling myself that I can hold on to whatever that happened. So much so that.. my slogan is 

忍

I actually had to go Google Translate for this word, haha. 

So every moment and every second I spent in Melbourne through these 3 months, I told myself that I can endure it, I can handle whatever that's coming. Every morning I woke up, I told myself I would do my best and everyday would keep getting better and better (not literally EVERYDAY,  but you get what I mean). 

And it's surprising how 忍 this word helps in my life. 

But I can't deny the fact that I am tired of a lot of things. Sometimes, I keep enduring because I don't want to be a weak person because I need strength, I need to be strong. I can't be weak just because of some small obstacles in life. 

But somehow, things get pretty tiring after a while. I am quite stressed out with a lot of things, about my results, with work, with assignments, with thoughts, with life and some other stuffs. Whole semester, I tried not to get stressed out with them but I guess a part of me is really really stressed. I guess it's my pride that didn't dare to admit that I have problems. And after some talk with my sister, I might have pushed them to my subconscious level, hence ignoring their existence. 

You know how sometimes we have problems, but we keep telling ourselves that things are okay and we need to be positive? I've been telling myself that a lot of times. I kept telling myself that things would be fine and that other people have problems worse than me, and so I need to be grateful. I kept telling myself that I need to hold my head high and be lucky and grateful in life. And I kept telling myself that I shouldn't keep whining over my problems, I shouldn't cry and I shouldn't complain, because things would not change if I do so. 

But then I realise that sometimes, crying over problems is something courageous. I used to tell myself I would not cry for exams, for boyfriends or some really silly stuffs because that's just so weak. 

But now, I think to admit that I'm not okay is something more courageous than to tell myself that I am okay. I used to have a friend who would always cry before exams and would tell me how worried she was for the papers. Now that I think about it, she's one of the courageous friends I've ever seen. Because I would never have the strength to cry my problems out. 

And then I realise that I am not okay. I need to take some time off to complain about life, to whine about every single thing. Being a designer has been something I wanted to do since I was young and you know, it really really sucks to think that I am not good enough. It really really sucks to think that there are some people who are better than me. 

It's really scary of how my life will turns out. It's scary how my mind would work sometimes (because it works non-stop). It's scary to think that I am not good enough and that I will never be good. 

But it's surprising how once I admit that I am not good, I feel so much better. The fact that somehow a part of me acknowledges that I can never be the best takes the pressure off of me. And when I do not expect myself to be a strong person, I feel much happier and lighter.

And what's better to think that some friends are good enough to understand me. It's comforting to think that there are family and friends out there to tell me that it's okay to think that I am stressed. It's okay to feel worried and negative about things sometimes, because they're what make us human. Problems are part of life and that it's always always okay to cry. 

And now, 忍 seems so much nicer.