忍

Throughout the whole semester, I've been doing my best to have a positive mindset and I kept telling myself that I can hold on to whatever that happened. So much so that.. my slogan is 

忍

I actually had to go Google Translate for this word, haha. 

So every moment and every second I spent in Melbourne through these 3 months, I told myself that I can endure it, I can handle whatever that's coming. Every morning I woke up, I told myself I would do my best and everyday would keep getting better and better (not literally EVERYDAY,  but you get what I mean). 

And it's surprising how 忍 this word helps in my life. 

But I can't deny the fact that I am tired of a lot of things. Sometimes, I keep enduring because I don't want to be a weak person because I need strength, I need to be strong. I can't be weak just because of some small obstacles in life. 

But somehow, things get pretty tiring after a while. I am quite stressed out with a lot of things, about my results, with work, with assignments, with thoughts, with life and some other stuffs. Whole semester, I tried not to get stressed out with them but I guess a part of me is really really stressed. I guess it's my pride that didn't dare to admit that I have problems. And after some talk with my sister, I might have pushed them to my subconscious level, hence ignoring their existence. 

You know how sometimes we have problems, but we keep telling ourselves that things are okay and we need to be positive? I've been telling myself that a lot of times. I kept telling myself that things would be fine and that other people have problems worse than me, and so I need to be grateful. I kept telling myself that I need to hold my head high and be lucky and grateful in life. And I kept telling myself that I shouldn't keep whining over my problems, I shouldn't cry and I shouldn't complain, because things would not change if I do so. 

But then I realise that sometimes, crying over problems is something courageous. I used to tell myself I would not cry for exams, for boyfriends or some really silly stuffs because that's just so weak. 

But now, I think to admit that I'm not okay is something more courageous than to tell myself that I am okay. I used to have a friend who would always cry before exams and would tell me how worried she was for the papers. Now that I think about it, she's one of the courageous friends I've ever seen. Because I would never have the strength to cry my problems out. 

And then I realise that I am not okay. I need to take some time off to complain about life, to whine about every single thing. Being a designer has been something I wanted to do since I was young and you know, it really really sucks to think that I am not good enough. It really really sucks to think that there are some people who are better than me. 

It's really scary of how my life will turns out. It's scary how my mind would work sometimes (because it works non-stop). It's scary to think that I am not good enough and that I will never be good. 

But it's surprising how once I admit that I am not good, I feel so much better. The fact that somehow a part of me acknowledges that I can never be the best takes the pressure off of me. And when I do not expect myself to be a strong person, I feel much happier and lighter.

And what's better to think that some friends are good enough to understand me. It's comforting to think that there are family and friends out there to tell me that it's okay to think that I am stressed. It's okay to feel worried and negative about things sometimes, because they're what make us human. Problems are part of life and that it's always always okay to cry. 

And now, 忍 seems so much nicer.