Personal Space

Gosh, how long has it been since I wrote something here?

My friend just asked about the lack of updates here (and I almost forgot I still have this blog) so hi, Angelos, here's a shoutout for you, if you're reading this! And also other silent readers, which I would just assume that I still have, in case you feel jealous that I did not say hi to you, hi!! 

I have many many things that I can talk about, it's like my mouth and my mind will never ever shut up. But I think I've grown up to be a more private person than ever. There are so many things that I want to say and think but I don't really want the entire world to know, hence I do not update this blog that much anymore. 

It's like, lately, I have very deep issue with privacy and personal space. I dunno why this happens but nowadays, I've been thinking that one day I have to get married (sorry, Jing Jing, if I do, I will have to break our 40 39 cats promise. Eh, wait, is this even a promise?!) and that I will have to live with someone else my entire life. And then I thought that this is probably the most precious period of my life where I can live alone and have my own personal space and do what I want to do without having any responsibility. Which is why I am enjoying myself living by myself now. 

I've learnt to be alone. Honestly, it rocks to be alone sometimes. The really good and calming feeling when I go shopping alone, eat alone, walk alone, cook alone etc. But it's really contradictory at the same time, because I am scared of being lonely too. You get what I mean? I don't know if anyone feels the same thing as I do but I love being alone, yet I hate being lonely. 

I guess being alone is when you're doing something by yourself but being lonely is when you feel that no one in this world is there for you. So basically, I am someone who needs a lot of personal space but I also crave for attention (which wtf, I think all my friends should know by now). Sometimes, the fear of being lonely gets a little too much and then I start getting paranoid, for example, what if my friends actually hate me? I think this thought is so much lesser now but I used to think so much about it in the past. Wtf, I usually don't quite care about what people who are not close to me think about me (because I do not believe in first impressions) but it's the opposite when it comes to people whom I love. I care a lot of what they think about me. I guess it's normal to be this way because honestly, who doesn't want people whom they love to love them back. 

Gosh, I have a lot of contradicting thoughts in my head, I need to get it out and pen it here. 

So, friends, to make things simple, I sometimes need some personal space, which means that most of the time, I don't really answer personal questions so please stop asking me stuffs like this repeatedly. If I think you're worthy of being my good friend, I will tell you about my stuffs if you ask just once. But if you keep asking non-stop and I don't answer, you probably should stop. On the other hand, I will try to respect you as much as I can, so you have the freedom to talk to me about your life or if you don't want to, I won't force it upon you. I am trying to put this as nicely as I can, but people should stop expecting me to spill my life out just cause they've done the same thing to me. I am just not the kind of person to have girls' heart-to-heart talk and I'm realllyyyyy sorry for this. Hence, sometimes, the idea of having sleepover at friends' house scare me cos they might want to have girls talk session. If I were to talk about my life, I would when it feels right to and when I do, it's only to friends and family whom I really love a lot and I would really hope that they wouldn't judge me. 

On a lighter note, I pretty much love all my good friends and I think they know I like to keep things private sometimes so thanks for respecting me! :) I am trying to open up to more friends now but it takes time, probably a long time, or probably never, wtf! But still, I try and that's what really matter, right?