How Others Think of Me

I think one thing that people tend to misunderstand about me is that.. I'm an angry person. 

Oh, come on, I'm a friendly person! I'm so friendly even Buddha is touched by my friendliness... come on, I'm good, I don't bite.. I don't bite.. I SAID I DON'T BITE! NOW YOU COME HERE AND HUG ME AND SMILE AT ME AND SAY HI, YOU BITCH!!!

Pfft.. haha, no seriously, I think that's what a lot of people think about me. I've had people coming to tell me about it. Maybe it's not misunderstanding, probably that's who I am. After all, our actions reflects our personality. 

I was just looking back at all the past things I posted in Facebook. Some comments made by me ... are not exactly things that I'm proud of myself. Back in secondary school, I've had pretty angry moments too and I handled them pretty badly. I think everyone has angry moments too, not just me. It's just that what differentiate people's personalities is what they act towards a lot of situations. Now that I'm older (slightly, only very very slightly), sometimes I keep warning myself of my own emotions. I would keep telling myself to calm down and it's just heat of the moment. I think mostly is because last year I've had gone through some emotional setbacks liddat I started learning a lot of things. Nowadays, I keep telling myself that I must not act in a rush because I'll regret my actions and that it will reflect my poor personality. And one way to keep me from being pissed off, is actually to be as happy as possible. 

Because honestly, I've come to realised that I'm someone who doesn't like it when things are not under my control. :( Well, I'm aware that I'm young. Old men said young people mah, always very hot-blooded. I'm not trying to give myself an excuse or what (okay, maybe I'm) but if I don't, I will keep blaming myself and feel bad about it. 

Some friends (who are courageous enough to tell me and not scared that one day I'll hire a serial killer to kill them) told me how they didn't like me based on first impression. And I'm pretty sure not everyone in school likes me in the past. I mean, after all, I was pretty.. I hate to say this, fierce. They only started feeling better towards me when they've come to know me after some time. Okay, to defend myself, I had to act a little tough in the past because I didn't want the librarians to get disrespectful or what. But over the time I realised that I probably was just searching for excuses. In fact, being fierce is not the best way to get people to respect you. There're a lot happier and better ways too! 

I guess throughout life, we make mistakes that we're not proud of. I've done a lot of mistakes (angry mistakes) when I was younger. But I don't think I regretted them because well, that was who I'm in the past. If I could turn back time, I would of course wish that I would tell myself not act that way. But that's only if the current me would tell the past me of the consequences of my actions if I behave in certain ways.... but real life is not like that.  So, sometimes, in life we've just got to be thick-skinned to make mistakes. 

I guess only by doing mistakes we realise that we're not perfect and not expect perfections. Only then also we wouldn't be a snob and would learn to be more humble. :) 

So, for those people whom I offended in the past, trust me, I didn't mean to. I'm really really sorry. I got angry quite quickly at things when they don't go my way (which is why I'm doing my best to change now) so if I've screamed at any innocent person at any point of my life, I'm sorry. 

I get emotional really quickly without judging the facts first so for those who are again, innocent, but got almost got bitten by me, I'm really sorry too. 

For those who was hurt by my actions and behaviours, I'm really sorry that I affected your lives. 

For close friends who still do not judge me despite my actions, I really thank you guys because I'm amazed that I still have friends despite my personality. Honestly, sometimes, when I think about my life, I feel lucky. I still have friends who are actually talking to me, laughing with me (sometimes laughing at me). Because well, I've seen some people who doesn't have true friends. I don't know if my friends actually secretly hate me at my back or what (like backstabing drama all those) but my instincts told me they're all pretty good. :) 

They might not like me all the time but I guess that's life.

 I used to think that people need to like my everything. For example, they need to think I'm all perfect to like me and I have no weaknesses. When they think I have a weakness, I'll assume they hate me. Until today, I still feel the same. Which is badddd, because it means I don't take criticism very well. And it's even worse because I'm going to be in the creative field which involves a lot of criticism. :( Flunyway, I'm learning to realise that I shouldn't take things so personally. Friends knowing the good and bad of me might not be such a bad thing afterall. It means that they've already known me so well, they know the whole of me. And they're just concerned about me : D

... It isn't easy for me to update this post. It takes quite some courage to post something so personally of me. I don't even know if any even bothers to read till here (because well.. I don't have much readers to begin with). But it's a relief at the same time because I know some friends will read it and at least, got my apology reached. :)