You Know What Kind of Person I've Turned Into?

People changed so much. I can actually feel myself changing. It's so bloody scary.

Throughout these few months, instead of becoming more mature, more rational, more whatever that sound nice, I did the complete opposite.

Somehow, I feel that my self-confidence, self-esteem, self-whatever is at a decreasing rate. I've been one of the most sensitive bitches ever (which, unfortunately, I've been for quite some time but it's getting worse) that I feel like punching the whole world even when there's a small little constructive criticism about me.

I've been trying to stay in the comfort zone and refuse to come out of it.

Not only that, I've turned out to be so kiasu lately that I can't accept failure sometimes and thus, I don't have the courage to try new things. It's like I've somehow lost the part where I love myself the most. The part that will do my best to do new things without being too afraid.

All the while, I focus on doing my best, I do not have to care what things turn out to be, just do my best and I'll be happy.

But lately I don't want to just do my best, I want to make sure that I bloody get what I want, with whatever way I can. I know, I can be that kind of person who sometimes have too much expectations on myself. These years in secondary school, I know it can be deadly cos' I know, in the end, I won't be able to satisfy myself. So I had to keep reminding that I have a limit, that I shouldn't focus on being good at everything, just doing my best would be the best thing of all.

Life in secondary school wasn't a exactly a smooth ride, I've had rough patches, especially with those drawing stuffs. But I was happy. Maybe because I had old friends who know me, who would keep pushing me, who would listen to me and tell me what I was doing is right. And because they told me what I was doing was right, I had no doubts of my actions.

But coming to college, sometimes, things are so hard. Suddenly, people tell me what I'm doing is wrong. And then I start behaving like an immature narrow-minded bitch. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for being an immature bitch. I know, it's part of my weaknesses. I've tried to change myself but right now, I find myself getting lost in the way. I'm standing in a position where I'm hopeless.

But I can't continue getting hopeless, can I? I told myself, I need to do what I need to do. I can't prevent myself making mistakes, I can't avoid mistakes. But if I were to hold to my past mistakes so much that I've no motivation to move on, I must as well just die, because chances are, I'll keep making mistakes.

Maybe, I'm just in the process of searching myself. I need to, held my chines up high in the air, have thicker face so that I face each constructive criticism on me, believe in myself more, learn to be more positive.

When I have problem (or rather, I'm the problem), I need to admit that I DO have a great problem instead of being so bloody narrow-minded. And then I need to work really hard on it to correct the problem and then move on with life.

I need to focus. I need learn to be independent, I need to change into a better person.
And the only person who can help, is none other than myself.

XD