月荷

I'm dying inside and I need to talk to someone. But I guess I'm not so good with talking.

To be honest, I've been afraid for God knows how long about my future. This feeling didn't appear few months ago when I realised that reality is hitting me so hard. This feelings appeared few years ago even when I was in Lower Form. For me to bottle up this feeling for years, it's bloody tiring. To stay positive 24/7 is bloody tiring. To tell people confidently that I can find a job in the future is bloody tiring. To have people look down on me is tiring. No one knows how much tears I've shed for myself. And when I say no one, I mean it. Not even my best friends, my family members or any strangers.

And you know what, I want to stop pretending I'm okay, to stop pretending I'm confident with myself. I want to stop having faith in myself. Because I know right now, I'm getting so scared. So scared that I find no ways to give excuses to myself that I need to believe in myself.

Maybe all the while it's my ego playing tricks.But I don't give a damn what it is anymore. I don't care anymore. All I want to do is to rest and to tell myself, it's okay to give up. It's okay to feel tired.

I know. I fucking (forgive me. I know I always maintain the no "f" word rule in my blog) know the reality is harsh. I don't need anyone to tell me countless of times. I don't need people to tell me that if I want to survive in art, I need to be tough. I don't need people to tell me 90% of people who are taking art in the end give up, in the end they realise that reality is so harsh. Because I know it all already!

Have you got any idea how much I have to pull through this few years? To still continue drawing even though even I myself don't have a grip on my own future? That I'm so scared of life? That sometimes I seriously feel like dying just because I'm afraid?
No one bloody knows. Because they assume I don't know anything merely because I'm inexperienced. Because everyone wants to take the safe route. I don't blame them of course. I'm just emotionally tired.

All I need is someone to tell me, someone to tell me that no matter what happens, even if I fail, even if I can't find a job, even if I were poor, that she or he will be my side.

All I need... fucking hell, I don't even know what I want. I don't even know how I should continue. I don't know anything.

I don't have any faith anymore. Call this self-pity but I don't give a shit anymore. I don't want to pretend anymore.